Time will always take from us the things we hold most dear. We either leave them behind or we are left behind, either way it is inevitable. Of course, for most of us, this isn’t a huge epiphany stunning us into a life changing realization. Yet, knowing this doesn’t change the fact, that we are left with a chapter of our story that will be forever closed. Most people can deal with these changes with healthy and natural coping methods; some of us have a harder time doing so.
I have had to fight depression for pretty much my entire life. I have lost and been broken by more than just a few relationships because of it. The hard truth that I have had to cope with is that no matter how good of a person you are, and no matter how much you share your kindness, if you are plagued by depression those you care about will distance themselves. This isn’t because they don’t care nor is it that you are broken in some way. The fact is it is hard to understand someone battling depression.
If I take a look at how my life has progressed, I see there are a number of things that I could have changed if I wasn’t plagued by this issue. I know that everyone has regrets but I am talking about something more than just regret, I am speaking of the inability to function because of being mentally debilitated. I know there are mental disorders that are far worse and create a barrier from our world and theirs, but that doesn’t make helping someone with a depressive mind any less important.
For those dealing with this, it is important to try to understand yourself but, and I know this is hard for people like us, don’t be a defeatist. Making it harder on ourselves just feeds the monster. Work every day to try to beat it, because the rate of suicide for those who fight this disorder is a heavy concern that weighs on all of us. Oh, and don’t ignore it either, because it doesn’t discriminate nor does it choose a specific social class. Like most mental disorders, any one of us can be forced to live with the realities of depression.
If you are reading this and you have asked yourself more than once “I have all I need, why am I sad?” than I can relate. I too, have so much in my life that should keep me from ever being down, but I still find myself with chest crushing sadness far more often than not. To explain a little bit, I am one of those people who are constantly looking inward to understand who I am and why I think a certain way. I have realized, the problem is not in the amount of love, things or people in my life, I have that and more, the problem is me. Now, I don’t mean that I am a problem where I need to be discarded and thrown away. I mean that I am the biggest reason I am the way I am. Yet, I know that no matter what I do and how happy I get, I will always have this cloud hanging over me. But, this does not mean that there is nothing to be done that will make life easier to bare. There may be no cure but there is hope.
Aside from my years of teenage angst, I don’t look to drugs as a coping method, although, I know many people like myself do, both legally and illegally. I do have to admit, however, that as I write this I am enjoying a bottle of Blue. But, I have always been able to say no because the one thing that escaped me, that unfortunately did not escape my father, was an addictive personality. Although, I used to think that I was addicted to the sadness, or maybe that’s just remnants of Billy Corgan singing in my head, anyway, I was wrong, being down all the time just f****ing sucks. Seriously, no matter how romantic you make it, who the hell could be in love with their sadness and still be sane.
Honestly, being able to say no has kept me strong in times when I would have been lost. It’s such a simple thing. Isn’t it? Being able to say no, and fight off the demons. Yet, it is so hard, for so many, for so many reasons. Sadly, so many of us fall and give in because it’s just easier than dealing with the pain, but you can say no to the depression. What you shouldn’t do, is feel bad if you do break down and it takes hold of you because it isn’t your fault.
I am not going to say that medications aren’t the answer, because, while they may not be for me, some of us are so drastically changed by this fight that without them giving up and wasting away, cutting or even suicide, may seem the only other answers left. Though, this may not be true, it is how we feel and it’s something that even those of us with better control over our depressive sides, deal with constantly. Each one of these physical manifestations is the embodiment of the suffering from within that can never be fully explained through words.
I have and still do feel it, the deep well of emptiness that crushes you from within. A heavy weight, that in almost all cases, is brought upon by small insignificant issues, but is a sadness that is both unexplainable and confusing to those on the outside as much as ourselves. It also gives the false impression that we are self-centered and self-absorbed. When in truth, we are screaming to be free from it and just want to live normally.
For those of you that can relate, I want you to know there is hope. I said no to suicide, although, I vainly attempted it. I said no to cutting even though I dabbled in it. My weakness came in giving up. I gave up on life much like my father did, but not altogether. Start saying no to your weaknesses. It is the hardest thing in the world to do and you will fail more than you will succeed, but never stop growing and trying to defeat the beast. I told myself for a long time that there was nothing wrong. That I was okay and when I reached my goals, I would be good, but in doing that, I ignored the good things that were around me. I ignored the life that I was supposed to be living. Then I realized something, denial loves addiction, denial loves our sadness, and much like admitting you’re an addict, knowing who you are and admitting that you are more than just sad, is the first step to dealing with it. I don’t have a plan for you or a 10 step process to be happier. I just have my experience and my own battles, and I can tell you that the times when happiness does come, it is well worth the battle.
Well I have to cut this short, so, for those of you that don’t understand fully, I hope this helps you understand, at least just a little bit, the thoughts of those you know who are fighting this demon. It is your support that helps us make it to another day.